Tuesday, November 3, 2009

exaggeration.


It is funny really. When I have nothing to write about but wedding venues, rock climbing, and rain I am very consistent. When I have some deep personal issues that could use exploration however, I tend to retreat inward. I do not know what it is. Maybe it is that I feel more comfortable in my unclarity.

The truth is that I am broken. The people that I feel closest to are in a state of mourning during a point in my life that should be celebrated and joyous.

People have been uplifting me lately for my decisions in the past week or so. I know that I have made the good decisions, but somehow I am left disturbed and uneasy. It is depressing to me how the good decision in a moment presents itself as a harmful and "not nice" decision.

More than anything else, for those of you who know me, I try to be a good friend. I love my friends so much and I try to do good upon them as correctly as I can. Presently I feel helpless, invaluable, and insufficient as a friend. This is a negative thought. It is exaggeration. I try to carry the burden of the people around me, hoping that there might be some way I could make it easier for them. I feel strong at this point in my life.

I have conquered negativity mostly and I am continually getting better at choosing the positive position in all aspects of life. Where is the positive in these recent events however?

For those of you who know of the events I am referring to, I will tell you what the positive position is: (1) Life is not lost, and (2) Things are slowly, but surely, getting better.

Even recognizing this however, my heart and my stomach is constantly in knots. I have had trouble sleeping and when I wake up in the morning I feel tired and anxious. I have broken down and cried a lot lately in the most random of situations.

Where is my sanctuary?

My sanctuary has not been "The Bungalow" in a long time. I used to rush home, walk in the door, and smile as the weight of my days mystically lifted from my shoulders. Now I find excuse to spend my time elsewhere. I have been brainstorming about what the new "Bungalow" might be for me:
  • Rachael Lunghi
  • Nick Garcia
  • Kristin Hershman
  • Keith Savage
  • Arcadia Rock Climbing Gym
  • noahhershman.blogspot.com
  • Ryan Adams
I have been thinking about going to church again. Maybe it might make me feel good, or give me something each week. I used to think that people who went to church for this reason were out of line and selfish. Now I lean toward the philosophy of "whatever works" I guess. Whatever helps you get through. I could sit, listen, think, and hold Rachael's hand.

I miss my fiancé all the time. I always want to be with her. She is my best friend and she facilitates growth in me so well. She is a great listener and she provides me with deep comfort. Just the thought of sitting across from her silently and eating a meal in her presence gets me excited. I love driving with her. See... as I babble about her my thoughts float away from the tension in my household.

I guess I do have sanctuary.

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