Wednesday, June 9, 2010

love.


Love of my life. She keeps me goin'.

home.


Home, I feel should not be an inconstant. It does change however. It changes in a tangible manner and in an intangible manner. The feeling home gives is something that happens over time, yet it is not natural. Feeling "at home" comes with a decision to feel at home. All sorts of things contribute to the ease or difficulty of this change.

Luckily during my current process of trying to be "at home" where I am, I have had so many people that have made me feel at home. Tom, Grace, Nate, Maleea, Mikey, Wes, The Sparrow, McMenamin's, etc.

There are just a few things missing. A very deep hole is still left in my "home". Rachael will fill the majority of this hole, making it possible to live with the rest of it.

Friday, April 23, 2010

change.



Bend, Oregon has held a special place in my life for the last three years. I have shared many memorable moments with friends from this place on spring and winter breaks. As I sit in the Portland airport awaiting my flight to Bend, my heart feels heavy. There is something about this trip that feels different than my last three.

On Wednesday I picked up my cap and gown from the office of the undergraduate registrar of Azusa Pacific University. I will be participating in my collegiate graduation ceremony in fifteen days. On Sunday evening my roommate informed me that our land lord was going to sell our house, preventing its passing on. On August the fourteenth I am getting married to my girlfriend of three years in Carlsbad, California.

Considering all of these events that are in my very near future I understand the state of my heart. My heart is in distress. So much change is occurring in such a short period of time that I feel as though I am falling apart. Sure I will be reconstructed, however will I recognize myself when I look in the mirror six months from now? I’m trying to jump the gun and start to acquaint my old self to my new self.

I am about to board my flight and the only word that comes to mind when I think of how I am feeling is “terrified”. All I know is southern California… Covina… The Bungalow… Tim, Wes, Nick, Taylor, Werner, Chris, Myles, Justin, Michael, Keith, Alex, Paige, and everyone of our friends… our family.

To all of you, I love you dearly… I’m crying. I love you so fucking much I don’t know how to deal with leaving you. I have tried as hard as I can to let you know that I love you and I have tried to be a good friend to each of you.

Change is so hard.

I have no regrets. I have lived these past four years to the absolute fullest. Just when I thought I couldn’t grow any more, my friends and my family pushed me further. I wouldn’t change a single thing about my life.

I’m thankful.

I am thankful.

I am so thankful.

Monday, January 4, 2010

pdx.


It is our second day in Portland, Oregon and we are really enjoying ourselves. We haven't seen much yet, but are preparing for an intensely eventful day. The weather is gorgeous and we have our jackets and boots on.

Friday, January 1, 2010

frustrations.

They love the sound of their own voices.

Thursday, December 31, 2009

quiet.

Mother Theresa is quoted, speaking these profound words of truth that I believe all people can easily lose sight of. Sure she is talking about God, however these words ring true to anyone in any type of relationship. Lately I have been struggling with the discipline of silence.

Silence is a powerful skill that I have been trying to improve upon for the last year. More often then not I have something to say about everything. I am a very opinionated person, which used to be one of my favorite qualities about myself. Others tend to listen to those who have little to say. It is like a well placed curse word in a conversation.

Finishing college has, so far, been an interesting transition. I now have the time to practice silence in a way that suits me best. I have recently been taking the time to dig into books that I have been wanting to read, I have been able to think about my faith and philosophies on life, and I have been able to sit and enjoy a moment for everything that it is. I am happier.

I am more silent.

One other struggle that has been facing me lately is my constant need to escape from everything that creates noise. I cannot listen to loud music. I cannot watch loud movies. I cannot exist around loud people. I feel the need to escape from these situations and find refuge in silence or quiet conversation.

...more thoughts later. For now I am going to enjoy the company of a dear friend. In silence.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

bend.


I am sitting in a little tea shop in downtown Bend, Oregon with Rachael, Nick, and Wes and I am at peace. The place is called Townshend's Tea Company. There is alternative country music playing softly in the background and the quiet whispers of my fiancé and my best friends create bliss.
This trip has been a true blessing. I have just finished my course work at APU and though I feel anticipation for those in my life returning in the spring, I have begun my post-collegiate experience.

(A Townshend's employee just dropped a dish, momentarily disrupting my thoughts)

Tom Monson, a friend who we are staying with just walked in to the tea shop. What a blessing to have him in my life.

As the trip continues I will record more of our experiences.